Attachments..

Today the thoughts on my mind are fluctuating between western ideas around romantic attachments and Buddhism. How does Buddhism see loving relationships?

In Buddhism the following thought prevails (from :Ajahn Sumedho, in 'Teachings of a Buddhist Monk')

"Desire can be compared to fire. If we grasp fire, what happens? Does it lead to happiness?
If we say: "Oh, look at that beautiful fire! Look at the beautiful colors! I love red and orange; they're my favorite colors," and then grasp it, we would find a certain amount of suffering entering the body. And then if we were to contemplate the cause of that suffering we would discover it was the result of having grasped that fire. On that information, we would hopefully, then let the fire go. Once we let fire go then we know that it is something not to be attached to.
This does not mean we have to hate it, or put it out. We can enjoy fire, can't we? It's nice having a fire, it keeps the room warm, but we do not have to burn ourselves in it."

The idea of attachments is hugely driven, I feel, by our media culture. It tells us everyday that three things prevail: Sex, Love and Consumerism.

Sex is everywhere. The advertising agencies use it to sell just about anything. Though sex and orgasm are talked about extensively in Buddhist literature, our society has taken it one step further and finds new ways to exploit sex and sexuality to the point where often, I am overwhelmed by it. I hate to think how our youth feel about being confronted by sexualised images everyday. Sex in the context of Buddhism, besides the mention in the precepts of living, is often referred to by the orgasm that is achieved by the partners as being a moment where your mind is filled with nothing but the thought of this experience. In terms of meditation? This is a wonderful moment. The time post-orgasm where a couple usually lie together is also a great example of another meditative state that is experienced or can be utilised everyday: Just Being. The idea that you must only experience the state of 'just being' and 'orgasmic emptiness' during sex makes no sense as a person who meditates I try to feel the emptiness and just being everyday. According to Winton Higgins (Buddhist Sexual Ethics):

if in our sexual lives we act non-violently, do not take what is not freely given, do not deceive and do not act out of delusive and irresponsible mindstates, we cannot fall foul of the third precept anyway. Buddhism's very tough sexual ethic would be complete without the third precept. It's really there for the sake of emphasis. Sexuality is a very strong energy, the focus of many cravings, vanities and delusions. It calls for its very own precept!

It makes sense the sexual conduct would be within the precepts of living. Sex calls all of us and according to Buddha is one part of the delusionary tricks our ego plays on us to call us away from our ultimate goal: Enlightenment. But as stated here: If, every day you live with mindfulness and are aware of the intent and as long as the sex is loving and comitted then it is just another act to be aware of.

Love is often discussed in Buddhist texts as love can be described as a wish for others to be happy. Compassion and loving kindness are things that all people can give to one another without losing themselves and yet, in western culture we seem to think that only those deserving of our love should see it. Those people we deem ' acceptable'. In Buddhism all living creatures are deserving of compassion and loving kindness as all beings are in a state of suffering. As we all suffer, can we not have the ability to see that all creatures are the same? One thing I find most difficult about living in our society is the fact that I love many people. I love animals. I love most bugs and I make sure, everyday, that I do not have the intention to kill a sentient being, bugs included. There is something that my husband and I decided long ago: We are polyamorous. This basically means that we are married but we love many. I know that he is his own person and I cannot tell him who he can and cannot love and he understands that same about me. Love is not something that we give away and we run out of. It is infinite. So, I give love to as many as I can and I meditate on the idea often that I love and have compassion for sentient beings. As an aside I have found a marvelous quote within Love and Marriage: A Zen Buddhist Reflections:

In our relationships we need to hold with open hands, understanding that all things are in flux, and nothing remains the same forever. But as we apply this boundlessness, this openness to our seeing each other, and caring for each other, we quickly discover how powerful and transformative it can be.
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The reason I have chosen attachments today I was on a website where I have friends that chat and they were discussing love and monogamy. Also, my husband has been asking me alot: What is Buddhas thoughts on Marriage? I guess this sparked my desire to see what Buddha would say, also, about my chosen lifestyle. When it comes down to it attachments cause more suffering. But loving freely and giving love to all does not. In fact it expands a persons emptiness. By giving love we create more space within ourselves to be able to 'just be'. It is this state that we are striving for and the enlightenment that follows.